First Year After College

 I am in the middle/end of my stay here in NYC. My story here is tumultuous. I never meant to land here. I never really thought in my life that New York would be a stop on my journey. I was dead set on the West Coast since I was kid. I knew that I would make it my home. In a way there is part of me that is waiting, which is why it makes sense that I am here and not there right now. Even though all the fibers in my being are pointing west. So I graduated in May of 2017 - I did not attend my graduation. I did not really connect with college. It was just four years of my life where I dedicated to finding myself more, loving myself more and making those four years work for me. I miss them sometimes, because I loved the focus of loving myself. I loved being in Boston even though I majorly took it for granted. But looking back now, my life was in a glass castle there. And here that castle is broken and gone. I am going to rebuild my glass castle but in a different way. Anyways, I was interning for organic juice company while living in Boston where my boss, was the most incredible leader I ever could have asked for. She made me feel like I was just winning life and yeah, I sort of was winning at life then. After 5+ months of interning and successfully establishing myself as part of the team there, I was sort of called up to the big leagues. I was asked in interview for a position on the marketing team in NYC. Which to me, felt like winning the lottery. I was so excited. I remember taking notes in my kitchenette with just so much adrenaline when I got the call. I scheduled weekends in NYC to interview, I met with everyone possible in the company. I picked out my interview dress in NYC and I felt like magic! I mean, a not-even-graduated-senior in college getting an interview with a popular, trendy company in NYC for her dream job.. I was over the moon. I did not know what to think. Except months of waiting time after that, whomp. It was tough, after I had time to think about this transition I started to question everything. And I mean all the things. I knew it was going to be so hard. I felt very hesitant. I even went as far as saying that I was most definitely not going to accept the offer. I told my mom, my friends and myself the answer is no. But when I got the call about the offer, I said yes. I took this huge jump. I made this decision to move. And I moved to NYC 10 days later with all my nerves and reservations. I had my graduation party on a Sunday in June and moved the next morning to NYC. It was the hardest day of my life. One of my memories that made makes me choke up a little bit even now is the time I had with my mom in the car on the ride to New York. We talked. We shared. We laughed. We cried. We sang. And she told me no matter what is was going to be okay. Life was going to be okay. We spent the net 24 hours in NYC together just mentally preparing myself for this new chapter. We went to see apartments. We went to the store. She helped me set the tone. And then she was gone. She went home and left me and I was alone. I looked around. I looked at myself. And the big girl pants were on. Except I knew something was wrong. My dad came to NYC the next day. He wanted to be there for me after my first few days. I am actually so glad he did. We waited 2.5 hours at Sugarfish for weird sushi after my first day, he told me he was so proud. He told me I was going to be amazing. But after my first day on the job I looked at him and said “Dad, I made a mistake” and started crying. I knew I did not belong here. 

I spent for June 14th to September 5th with this company as their marketing coordinator. It felt like a lifetime that was emotionally, mentally and physically putting my all into a job where I would never be good enough to survive at. I spent those three months in fight or flight mode. I woke up everyday with a knot in my stomach, numb to the world and unaware of who I was anymore. Those four years of loving myself and learning who I wanted to be in college were taken from me. I was leaking my energy, my beautiful divine love and compassion for myself. I could have controlled it but my skin was too thin, my heart was too sensitive. My kind, gentle way was being thrown against a brick wall. My heart was shattered. When I began to have panic attacks before going into the office or had to call my mom every morning so she could pep talk me into walking through the door. I powered through until the last possible second. 

After the decision was made to make a change - I found myself working alongside someone who would ultimately change my life. And as the sun returns to the same position as when I moved here, I have found I really needed the last year to kick my ass and show me what the real world is like. To show me that everything isn't exactly as it seems from the outside. Life is what you make it. Happiness is a choice. Love always has your back.

Lindsay Bilezikian